5
NATAK
Mój pierwszy wpis, więc jeśli już coś było to proszę o PW 
If you think it is bad now in Haiti after the earthquake, think of the zombie problem they are going to have.
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I do not smoke after sex, second hand smoke is very dangerous to children.
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- I took a girl home last night…
- Good! How was it?
- There was this erection problem…
- You had an erection problem?!
- The problem was that the girl had an erection…
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The best pick-up line in the world is:
“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
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A man sits in prison, when a huge black prisoner is escorted inside.
After a minute the newcomer proposes:
- Let’s play mom and dad.
- No thanks, I will pass…
- Choose now, who do you want to be, mom or dad, or I will fuck you up!
- Ehm… I will play dad then….
- Good. The game starts with dad sucking mom’s cock.
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Why did Hitler cross the road?
To get to the genocide!
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When does a pentagon have 4 sides?
When it intersects a plane.
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What is worse than finding a dead baby in your house?
Finding your husband beside it with his pants down!
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What’s the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
You don’t wear boots when you jump on a trampoline.
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A woman with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach, and tells a passing man:
- Sir, no one have ever kissed me… could you please kiss me?
So the man kisses her.
She asks another man:
- Sir, no one have ever screwed me… could you please screw me?
He throws her into the water and yells:
- Now you’re screwed!
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My wife’s funeral is next week.
Thing is, she doesn’t know yet.
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What’s funnier than poisoning your kids?
Convincing your babysitter that they were ok before you went out.
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- Why was the pathologist fired?
- In one of his reports said: “Cause of death: Autopsy”
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My wife has the body of a 16 year old school girl.
She keeps it in the fridge.
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A guy walks into a shop:
- Hi, do you sell bereavement postcards?
- Yes sir.
- Then could I exchange one for this get well soon postcard I bought yesterday?
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- What’s the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
- The wheelchair.
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- Who was the coolest kid in the holocaust?
- Number 90210!
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Teacher: Now, boys and girls, please everyone tell me what is the most expensive thing you know…
Girl A: “My mom’s necklace!”
Boy B: “My father’s SUV”
Boy C: “My sister’s monthly period!”
Teacher: “WHAT?! Do you even know what it is?”
Boy C: “No, but I know it is very precious. When my sister lost it, my father was all in rage, my mother had a heart attack, and even our neighbor was so shocked he shot himself!”
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My grandfather had a strange, but working way of keeping himself healthy - he ate each day small dozes of gunpowder, and it definitely helped him. He lived for 103 years, left 6 sons, 14 grandsons, 22 grand-grand-sons and a crater 10 meters in diameter where the crematorium once was.
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A guy walked in a field and almost fell into a deep well. He looks inside and can not even see the bottom.
The man thrown a pebble inside and does not hear any sound, so he carried a large boulder that lay nearby and thrown it into the well. As he strained to listen he saw a goat that quickly ran by him and jumped into the well.
He ws surprised, heard the thuds of both the boulder and the goat, and turned to leave when a farmer came by and asked:
“Hey, did you see a goat arround here?”
“Yes, one jumped into the well just now”
“What do you mean into a well?! I tied it to a boulder over there!!!”
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A scandal during dope tests before the athletics competition: in the blood of the Ethiopian runner were found traces of another Ethiopian runner!
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In an effort to stop the famine that is raging in the country, the government of Zimbabwe decided to cancel all restrictions and visas required to visit the country. As an additional measure, obese and overweight visitors are promised a discount on flight tickets
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Indian 1: I finally helped my wive get rid of the dandruff!
Indian 2: Did you buy shampoo from the pale-faces?
Indian 1: No, I scalped her!
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It is not politicaly correct to say “Dead American”. One shout say “Necro-American”
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- Where can you find a dog with no feet?
- Whereever you have left him.
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- What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
- To hang a picture of Jesus you need only one nail
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- What is 40 centimeters long, gets harder as morning comes, and makes women scream?
- A crib death
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- Did you hear princess Diana was on the radio?
- Yeah, and on the dashboard, the window and the driving wheel…
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A man goes to a barber and asks to be shaved.
The barber gives him a small ball, and says to put it between his cheeks and teeth, thus rounding the cheek and making the shave close and well done. After the shave is completed, th customer says:
“This ball idea is great, but what if I had swallowed it?”
“No problem” -answers the barber - “you would have brought it back tommorow, like others did before you”
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Doctor Watson and Barrymore got drunk, went to the moors, caught the hound of the Baskervilles and raped it. Next morning Watson goes to the corridor with a hangover, and sees Sherlock Holmes.
- Holmes! You would not guess what we did last night!
- On the contrary, my dear Watson! You have raped the hound of the Baskerville!
- Holmes! How on earth did you know?!
- Idiots! Where have you seen a dog with a smoking pipe?!
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A battle. Explosions and machine gun fire everywhere. A sergeant runs into a bunker and yells:
- Guys! In that trench over there the nurse is letting everybody f**k her now!
- Great! And in the ass too?
- Yes she does!
- And in the mouth?
- Yes, but you must find her head first.
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A soldier sent to his grandmother a grenade in a package with the message:
“Grandma, if would only pull this ring, I will get leave for a week”
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Policeman: So, you have seen your mother-in-law being strangled to death?
Citizen: Yes.
Policeman: Why did not you rush to help?
Citizen: I considered helping, but then I saw that the murderer was succeeding on his own
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As Santa Claus is laying out gifts under the tree, a small boy that was hiding behind the sofa jumps up and shouts:
“Hey Santa! Santa! Now I saw you! Now I know that you really exist!”
Santa slowly turns and says:
“That’s it boy, you have seen me. Now I have no choice but to kill you…”
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Two boys stand on the street, one is laughing and the other is crying bitterly. A passerby asks:
-Why are you laughing, boy?
- A man just fell from that roof - you must have seen it, blood and bones everywhere, very funny!
- And why is your friend crying?
- He did not see the fall.
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A British gentleman sits on his lawn, smokes a pipe and reads a newspaper. Meanwhile, a man enters the house and goes into the bedroom. After an hour he leaves, and as he passes the gentleman he remarks:
- Sir, you know, today your wife was unnaturally cold and frigid…
- Oh, even in life she was not especially active
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-What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
-Gang rape.
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- What did the blind, wheelchair bound kid get for Christmas?
- Cancer .
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- Hello doctor! Did my test results return? How are they?
- I am sorry to disappoint you, but they show that you will die soon…
- Oh no! How much time do I have left?
- Ten…
- Ten what? Years? Months?
- Nine … Eight … Seven …
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- Soon, you will be able to read without glasses!
- Oh thank you doctor! But today I can hardly see anything even with glasses on … how will I read without glasses?
- With fingers my dear!
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- Doctor! Please! Tell me I will not die! Why do you look at me like that?
- Whoa, nurse, I am awfully tired… please stitch him up yourself. You know, after a double shift I sometimes feel as if bodies are talking to me…
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A new teacher is speaking with his pupils.
- And now tell me, what do your fathers do - he says.
- My father is a doctor, he heals sick people - says Mary.
- Good! And yours Johny?
- My father is a bus driver, he takes people to work each day.
- Thank you Johny. And your father, Billy, what does he do?
- My does nothing, because he is dead.
- Oh, I am sorry to hear that. And what did he do before he died?
- He went all blue and crapped on the carpet.
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Have you noticed that there are Chinese restaurants almost everywhere, but have you ever seen a Chinese graveyard?
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A Russian boy is asking his grandfather:
- Grandpa, tell me again how in the war you took down two airplanes?
- Well, not exactly took down… I’d say “underfueled”.
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- Hey dwarf, I’m a prince! Where is the sleeping beauty?
- Over there! Have fun, but make sure you do not kiss her! And it is 50 florins an hour!
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At the bakery, the owner is yelling on a new employee:
- The bread is all burnt! It is awful! And you said that you had 15 years of experience of oven operation!
- I had 15 years of experience, in the crematorium…
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A Klan man discovered that he had traces of African-American blood…
… on the bumper of his pick-up truck.
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Why did the baby drop it’s lollipop?
It was hit by a truck
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How do you spoil a baby?
Leave it out in the sun.
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Whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
You cant fuck a rock!
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What is harder than nailing a dead baby to a fence?
My erection while I am doing it.
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What do you get if you stick a knife in a dead baby?
An erection.
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What is the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I do not have a Cadillac in my garage…
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How do you get a baby into a bowl?
A blender
How do you get it out?
Corn chips, or drinking straw!
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What kind of noise does a baby make going into a blender?
I do not know, I was too busy masturbating
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Why during birth the husband is always sent to boil water?
Because then if the baby dies, a soup can be made.
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Why do you insert a baby in the mixer legs-first?
Because you must see his grimacing face!
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- Knock Knock…
- Who’s there?
- Guess…
- Guess who?
- Gestapo!
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